We’ve all seen it, we’ve all said “Really?” in our heads, and we’ve all looked at our partner and wondered what it would actually be like if he/she leaned in for an early-morning-haven’t-touched-a- toothbrush-kiss. Close your eyes for just two seconds and imagine. Gross, right? Never fear, however, I’ve found the miracle cure for early-morning halitosis and other bothersome morning issues: become a movie star.
Now, don’t go jumping on your couch with unchecked excitement….looking like a sleepy-eyed vixen or sexy-bed head navy fighter pilot takes talent. Be sure to have some paper so you can write down the keys to morning romance success.
1. You must employ a professional hair stylist. For years we’ve been under the assumption that we should just wake up and our hair will magically fall into place for our sexy-morning look. No, my friends, if you simply watch movies, you will see that only by the manipulative fingers of a hairstylist will you ever look like Julia Roberts in Stepmom.
2. Ladies, this one is particularly for you: Hire a professional make-up artist. If you’re lucky, maybe your hairstylist will do both for a BOGO deal. Only with this person’s help will you ever look amazing in the morning. Sorry, sleeping with make-up on does NOT work, unless you prefer your lipstick to be on your forehead, your blush on your eyelids, your eye shadow on your cheekbones, and your mascara to be on your chin. It is essential that the make-up is fresh. If not, your husband might think he woke up to a cross-dresser.
3. You must spend $1000s of dollars on teeth whitening. Don’t have a couple grand laying around for whiter teeth? I hear that whitening strips do the same for only a couple hundred! However, just because the pearly whites are shining incandescently in the morning doesn’t mean they smell good. It is essential to sneak out of bed five minutes before your spouse wakes up, brush your teeth, floss your teeth, and gargle. Here’s the tricky part…slipping into bed without waking up him/her and positioning yourself so your minty-fresh breath and styled morning bed head hair greet your lover’s eyes when he/she opens his/her eyes.
4. Lighting! The morning rays streaming through the curtains are not enough to give you that glow we see on all movie characters’ faces. This is where the light-guy comes in. I understand the dude in the corner with the lights might be slightly awkward at first, but I’m sure with time you will get used to him. On cue, he will adjust the light in the room to make you look like a god or goddess. Whatever helps to hide the drool marks, right?
With a quick glance at our successful romantic morning checklist, we see that much talent and cash is essential for perfect mornings. I don’t blame you one bit if you start searching for discount light-guys and hair stylists…I have an internet search going as I write this! A woman has got to do what a woman has got to do.
Until the light-guy shows up, I recommend leaving breath spray and a tube of lipstick (optional) on the bedside table for those early morning romantic moments.
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