Greeting Rituals

SSSSSSQQQQQUUUUUUEEEEEAAAAAAALLLLLLLL (Somewhere in the distance a dog howls) “OMG!  It’s been like forever since we talked (Reality:  only five minutes have passed)!!!  You gotta come with me this weekend; my dad gave me $1,000 to buy the prom dress of my dreams! ”   After several leaps of joy and several hundred squeals later, this dialogue will continue between two or, goodness forbid, a whole pack of girls.  For the unfortunate bystanders, this only lasts with ear-splitting intensity for so long.  Eventually, only snippets of screams, squeals, and shocked “OMGs” will echo back as the posse walks away arm and arm until nothing is left but eerie reverberations in one’s ear drums that will last strangely into the night. 

Ah, yes, we’ve all experienced the teenage girl greeting.  At times I’m not even sure the sounds are human.  But whether or not teenage girls are human is a topic for another day.  That being said, there is another strange greeting ritual that baffles the minds of women everywhere:  the “man hug”.  Gentlemen, what is up with this?  Even my 21 month old son, Gabriel, knows the ins and outs of this confusing and awkward outburst of male affection.  Is it that “Brothers don’t shake hands; brothers hug” is simply part of the man-law rules, or is it something deeper?  Do men have deep emotional feelings dying to escape?  Speaking for women everywhere, there is nothing more disturbing/entertaining than watching two grown men crush each other like bears and then slap each other’s backs three times with Hee-Man intensity.  Could it be Morse code for “I’m still straight”?

HHHMMMMM…maybe it’s the oxymoron of the hug and punch that has us women shaking our heads.  In the end, the high-pitched greeting rituals of teen girls and the violent displays of affection between grown men are just two examples of the wacky ways in which we greet other humans. 

If you’ve seen something that makes you scratch your head, plug your ears, or look away in horror, please let it out…holding such things in is bad for your health!

Words of Wisdom Part 1 of…

“If you pretend to pee on the wall one more time, we’re done playing!”  My calm, “remember-the- depression- you- will- have- when- they- grow-up-and- leave- the- nest” husband issued this  gem of wisdom to our 3 ½ year old boy.  Our boy, with his innocent blue eyes looked at his father and promptly proceeded to “pee” on the wall, complete with sound effects.  Upon seeing this blatant disregard for my husband’s wishes, I did the only thing a sensible mother of two would do.  I walked away.  Some might call me a coward.  That’s all right.  These people either don’t have children or forgot the wacky world children inhabit, sucking their parents along with them.  Besides, my husband, the strapping man he is, can handle a toddler the size of an overgrown elf.

                Sadly, the peeing on the wall incident stands not as the craziest thing my husband and I have uttered since we brought our first child home.  Unbeknownst to us, the sweet bundle of baby we brought home would eventually talk, or, gasp, do something incredibly ridiculous causing me or my husband to combine words never meant to share a sentence.    “Plungers are icky!  We don’t lick them!”  I consider this one of my most stellar mother moments.  But what else can a toddler do to entertain himself in the bathroom while his mommy showers? 

                Having one child renders insanely stupid quotes, but when a second child comes along, the insanity only doubles.  One such moment occurred when our youngest, a tiny lad of one and a half, had a bad cause of diarrhea.  My husband, who seems to always be at the center of excitement, exclaims “Why can’t this kid quit peeing out of his butt!”  Our oldest, who loves being part of the action, answers with wisdom only a three-year-old can manage:  “Maybe it’s because he’s a girl, maybe.”  I believe my husband was struck dumb…not an easy task.

                Amid the eye-rolls, looks of shock, and hidden giggles, my husband and I manage to cope with the crazy, wacky things we say as parents and the off-the-wall sound bites our children come up with.  Until my boys are old enough for me to say “You’re grounded till you turn 30!” I will content myself with constantly repeating this understated advice… “Because I’m your mother!”

                Hit me with your own hilarious, insane, ridiculous words or phrases that have echoed in the halls of your home, the aisles of Wal-Mart, or the booths of restaurants,  and together we will compile a list of endless “words of wisdom”.