The Things They Don’t Tell You When You Leave the Hospital

A wise woman once said:  “Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.”  Who knew that in addition to being a comedian, Carol Burnet is an expert on childbirth!  Along with Ms. Burnet, other comedians, both male and female, have cracked jokes about the anticipation to, the actual event, and the fallout after childbirth.  The reason these comedic anecdotes have survived is because they are TRUE!!!!  For those of you who have yet to experience the joy of having children, just watch Bill Cosby’s Himself.  My husband and I no longer have to watch Mr. Cosby for inspiration because we are now living the horror stories he joked about! 

 There are many times where I try to remember if the hospital staff warned me these things would happen.  And the answer is always a big, fat no!  In honor of my firstborn, Caiden, turning four today, I will list the scenarios that terrified me, flabbergasted me, surprised me, or made me giddy with happiness:

1.        Post-partum depression and the “holy-sh*t-they-are-actually-making-me-leave-the-hospital-with-this-tiny-person-without-an-owner’s-manual”.

2.       The cute black poops evolving into messy poops which strangely smelled exactly like movie popcorn evolving into messy poop which smelled exactly like poop.  And now yells of "I pooped, come wipe me!" bellering from the bathroom.

3.        Bath time which more resembled a greased pig contest complete with the squealing. 

4.      The midnight, 2 am, 4 am, 4:30 am, 5:15 am, 6:00 am feeding schedule every night for a lifetime of months.  I can't prove it but I'm certain each of these "dinner dates" shaved anywhere from an hour to a complete day off my life.

5.       Mandatory “tummy time” we both hated but had to do so he wouldn’t have a flat head for eternity.  Caiden now has a beautiful round head.  Thank God I never listen to the voices in my head making the "his hair will cover it" argument.

6.      The sitting for hours waiting for my baby to do something…anything…at all…yippee!!!!!...he just spit up! 

7.       That first real-not-gas smile! 

8.       The first spoonful of mushed peas (or beans, or carrots, or squash.)  The face made by a baby as they discover a flavor they are not use to is priceless.

9.       The uncomfortable outfits I squeezed Caiden in so he’d look super “cute”!

10.    Those quiet moments at 2 am with nothing but my baby and me, skin to skin. 

11.     That absolute fear the first time I thought my baby was choking.

12.     Those moments when I tiptoed into his room just to watch my little boy sleep.

13.     That first laugh.

14.    The first time I saw him and his daddy taking a nap together.

15.     “lovie”

16.    The first time hearing the word “Mama”.

17.     The tearful prayers for Caiden’s happiness and safety.

18.    That first bear hug when I come home from work.

19.    The first time Caiden held his little brother, Gabriel.

20.   Every moment when I look into my little boys’ eyes and see reassurance that we are indeed made in God’s image.

Just as my boys light up my life, I’m sure there is someone special in yours as well.  Please share those moments when you’ve been reassured that God loves us or the moments where you’ve been convinced that God has a very sarcastic sense of humor!